


Put Your Empty Hands in Mine

by HandleWithCare



Series: Gus and Rusty Navigating Communication [3]
Category: Major Crimes (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Homophobia, M/M, Mentions and references to Rusty's past, Mentions of drugs and past drug abuse, references to past abuse, references to past sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 19:03:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15540927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HandleWithCare/pseuds/HandleWithCare
Summary: Gus and Rusty's relationship has been better than ever, ever since they started opening up to each other more and communicating. So, why is this one thing still so hard for Rusty to talk about?





	Put Your Empty Hands in Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!! I want to start and thank anyone and everyone who has supported me and continues to support me and this series, despite the rather hectic update schedule. Here is the fourth installment of this series! It takes place shortly after the third part, so it might help to read the other three parts first if you haven't already.
> 
> I think this is my favorite installment so far as it references a scene directly from the show, season three, I believe, between Rusty and Sharon Beck. The first time I watched it, I was taken aback by how much it struck me and I cried because of how heartbroken I was for Rusty and in general. The fact that Rusty never told anyone in canon about it and it was never brought up directly by Sharon Beck really upset me and I wanted to provide some closure, for Rusty and for myself and other fans who were probably just as hurt as Rusty was. I hope I was able to do it justice.
> 
> Obviously, there are references to Rusty's past (some pretty explicit) in this, so make sure to check out the tags before reading and take care of yourselves.
> 
> Constructive criticism and suggestions for future parts of this series or other stories are always appreciated. I was also still wondering if I should incorporate other Major Crimes characters into future parts of this series, so let me know if you think that would be a good idea.
> 
> You can find me on tumblr @ say-youll-be-there :)

Rusty opens the door to the condo and chucks his jacket in the direction of the coat hanger. It definitely fell to the floor, but he can’t bring himself to care. Instead, he huffs roughly, rubbing his fingers against his temples as he hears Gus’ footsteps approach. He had chosen to take the stairs up to the condo, and Gus, sensing he needed some alone time, offered to take the elevator. He had then briskly walked up the stairs, assuring that he would make it to the door first. He hoped the extra time would have allowed him and Gus the opportunity to cool down, but he feels just as frustrated as he did when they first left the mall. 

He considers closing the door behind him and hoping that Gus takes the hint, but the rational portion of his brain knows that that won’t help the situation at all. Communication between the two of them is the best it’s ever been. Any time something is bothering Rusty, whether it’s about Gus or not, he talks to Gus about it and they work through it. And Gus does the same. Sometimes it’s frustrating, sometimes it’s sad, and sometimes it takes a while to reach any sort of middle ground or conclusion, but every time, they both agree that it’s worth it.

Yet, there’s one issue within their relationship that Rusty can’t bring himself to talk to Gus about, mostly because he doesn’t completely understand it himself. He kind of hoped that it would just go away and not be an issue anymore, but it didn’t, and it is. 

Gus finally reaches the door and enters the condo, quietly closing the door behind him. Rusty watches him breathe steadily in and out. It’s comforting, for both of them. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply one last time before opening his eyes and turning towards Rusty.

“You know we need to talk about this,” Gus says.

He says it so calmly and rationally that it fires something up deep inside Rusty. He has the sudden unexplainable urge to throw caution and rationality to the wind. He’s emotionally tired and frustrated and he just wants to yell. 

“No, we don’t,” he responds, a finality to his tone.

“Why not?” Gus asks, still as calm as ever.

Rusty hates it. Normally, he loves how calm and level headed and understanding Gus is. It balances well with his instincts to act first and with uncontrolled passion. But, right now, Rusty hates it and he doesn’t, he can’t, understand why.

“I don’t know why, Gus,” he grits out, “You know what? I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Okay? Or at all.”

He turns away from Gus, biting his lip hard enough to draw blood.

“Rusty, please,” Gus begs, “Please don’t shut me out. We’ve both been doing so well lately. Why is this such a hard thing for you to talk about?”

“I don’t know,” Rusty suddenly yells, whipping his body around back towards Gus, “I don’t know, okay. And I’m so tired of not knowing, of not understanding. I don’t know why I can’t hold your hand in public. Or why every time you hold mine first, I pull away. Or why I hate talking about it. I just don’t know.”

He leans back against the wall and slowly slides down onto the floor, too exhausted to even hold himself up anymore. Gus slowly moves a bit closer and kneels down on the floor in front of him.

“Rusty,” he begins, “I don’t care if you don’t want to hold my hand in public. It hurts, obviously, but it’s not your fault. I know that society sucks, and we have every reason to worry for our safety. I hate that I can’t do something as small as hold your hand without being afraid, but I should never have taken that out on you. If that’s what this is, then I get it, and I’m sorry. Sometimes, I just… forget about the rest of the world, and then it hits me. Over and over again, every single time.”

“But,” he adds, “If this is about more than that, then you need to tell me or, at least, tell me what you know you feel and we’ll try to work the rest of it out. Together. Like we always do. I love you and I want you to feel safe in this relationship, but I also need to feel safe and loved in this relationship, and, if you don’t want to hold my hand for a reason other than fear or homophobia, then I feel like I sort of have to know about it.”

Rusty nods, looking down at the floor. God, Gus is too good for him. Too kind, too understanding. He knows he’s not supposed to think that way anymore, but, in times like this, he can’t help it. He needs to talk to Dr. Joe about it at his next session.

For now, he looks up at Gus and sighs.

“You do deserve to feel safe and loved, Gus,” he begins, “I want to make you feel safe and loved. My… thing with holding hands has nothing to do with not loving you anymore or feeling uncomfortable around you. I love you. It’s just, I don’t know, every time you hold my hand in public or even not in public, I’m afraid.”

“Of what?” Gus asks softly, reaching out for Rusty’s hand.

Rusty looks down at Gus’ hand and then slowly reaches back, joining their hands together. Gus gives him a small smile of encouragement. He takes a deep breath, and squeezes Gus’ hand.

“It’s just that almost every time you hold my hand, my entire body freezes a little and I swear that I can hear her screaming at me.”

“Who’s screaming at you?” Gus asks, concern lacing his voice.

“My mom,” Rusty answers quietly, “Not this mom, this Sharon. My birth mom. Before I met you and she was still in the half-way house, I was visiting her pretty often because I thought she was trying to fix our relationship. But, really, she was just using me to bring her prescription drugs, and, one day, I told her that I wasn’t going to do that anymore, and she, she got really mad.”

He takes a staggering breath, feels his heart beating faster, and squeezes Gus’ hand even harder. Gus squeezes back, silently reminding Rusty of his presence, that Rusty is safe here with him.

“She started to say that I owed her because I was such a bad kid that it drove her to continue using. Then, then, she said that she knew since I was a kid that I was gay and that… the reason I did what I did after her and Gary left me at the zoo was just so that I could, um, sleep with guys. She just seemed so, so disgusted with me and I couldn’t take it, so I left. She tried to follow me, but the workers stopped her. She kept screaming such awful things at me, and, after a while, it stopped sounding like words. It was just loud static echoing in my brain, like I was walking and breathing and trying not to cry, in slow motion.”

Now, he was crying, a steady stream of tears down his face. He tastes the salt in his mouth but doesn’t bother wiping his tears away. His mother hurt him that day and so many more before and after that. He knows that the drugs and her attempts at sobriety were part of it, but he doesn’t owe her forgiveness. It’s an unfortunate truth regarding former addicts but still a truth nonetheless. And he certainly doesn’t have to forget, not that he ever thinks he’ll be able to. Her words struck his very core, and, now, years later, even when things are better than ever between them, they still haunt his subconscious and make him scared to hold his boyfriend’s hand.

When he looks back up at Gus, he, too, is crying. He moves to sit next to Rusty, never letting go of his hand, and pulls him close, kissing his temple.

“I’m so fucking sorry, Rusty,” he says, his voice hoarse, “If I had known she said those, those fucking awful things to you, I never would have pushed you to talk with her. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Rusty leans his head onto Gus’ shoulder.

“It’s not your fault, Gus,” he starts, “You wanted to help me, and I appreciate that.”

“But I never even asked,” Gus interrupts, “I never even thought about all of the totally valid reasons you might have had for not wanting to see your mom, and, if I knew that… that was one of them, I never would have told you to see her.”

“That’s the thing,” Rusty continues, “It’s not you. I have always wanted to make things right with my mom. I’ve always needed her approval and validation for some reason, maybe because she was my only constant, sort of, while growing up. I mean, the only reason I didn’t completely abandon the L.A.P.D. at first was because they promised to find my mom. My whole life, I’ve given her so many chances because I wanted her to be there. And when she actually started trying to be better, I was so happy. I thought that she wanted to be there. So, when she asked me for the drugs, I figured I’d do it because she is trying to get better for me, so, I don’t know, I thought I owed her. But, I didn’t, and I don’t. I was just a kid and she was a grown up, the same way those men from the streets were all grown-ups. And when she tried to say that I wanted to be with those men because I’m gay, it felt like her blaming me for every problem she’s ever had. I know that she was wrong, but there’s a part of me, a small part of me, that’s still craving his mom’s validation and I feel like, whenever I hold your hand, I’m living a life that part of her doesn’t approve of and I shouldn’t care and most of me doesn’t but part of me does and that’s why I pull away. The memories of that day and that voice in my head overpower me.”

“I’m tired of letting the past control me, but I can’t stop these memories and thoughts and I know you deserve better than a boyfriend who can’t even hold your hand in private, but I’m trying, and I want to be better. I mean, my mom has apologized and supports me now. She even really likes you. The drugs were just messing with her and I know that’s no excuse, but I feel like she’s changed now, so the question is: why can’t I?”

Gus kisses the top of Rusty’s head and then speaks.

“You have changed, Rusty,” he begins, “You have changed so much from the person I met at the café. You’re still funny and passionate, but you’ve grown so much, and I am so proud of you. You’ll continue to grow and be better, but traumatic experiences aren’t easy to forget or move on from. It takes a long time and what your mom said to you was unjust and trauma inducing and fucking disgusting. You never have to forgive her for that or anything, even if she’s grown and we all get along now. And I don’t blame you for being afraid to hold my hand, even if your reasoning was less traumatic. You’re trying, and I love you for it and you deserve that love. You deserve all the love and I do deserve someone as wonderful as you.”

Rusty turns his head to look at Gus and he sees nothing but love and admiration and honesty in his eyes. This man really does love him, through everything they’ve faced and will continue to face. Gus is in love with him.

“Thank you, Gus. And… I know. I know all of that. Sometimes, it’s hard to remind myself or believe it, but I know that you won’t let me forget it. And, I promise to tell you whenever I’m dealing with something, but you have to do the same.”

Gus smiles and leans down to kiss him, chaste and sweet.

“I promise I will. Always. I love you so much.”

“I love you, too.”

Rusty moves his head back into the crook of Gus’ neck, Gus leaning his head against Rusty’s. Their hands are joined together in Rusty’s lap, Rusty’s thumb stroking Gus’s wrist. Their knees touch as they share this quiet and private moment together on the floor. There are no intrusive or traumatic thoughts echoing in Rusty’s mind, but he knows they’ll be back. 

Right now, though, he chooses to embrace this completely peaceful moment with the man he loves because he knows that, even when those thoughts do return, he’ll be okay. 

They’ll both be okay.


End file.
